undecided

i have dropped my initial draft of today's post cos i have decided to. wahhahaha. (: thats not much of a reason but hey. this is MY blog. i write what i want aint it? but at the same time i must take on responsibility in my words.

anw as i am settling down in my seat im thinking again. and while im thinking, i am biting my lip. which happens to give a sharp pain cos i kinda bit one part of the skin off. ha. so there was blood. but the pain is well, pleasurable. i am a sadist i suppose. i enjoy seeing others suffer. but suffering a little myself tells me that yes i am living in this very real world. im not livng in the idealised place i have created so i may live in disillusion, if thats even in the correct context. i have reminded myself that i am still but living on earth, by licking my lips and enjoying the slightly intense pain caused by the action of my tongue.

im undecided. im fickle, indecisive, whatever else, but i really don know what to decide. i will regret it if u wait pointlessly. i will regret hurting u. i was wrong to doubt ur intentions. i didnt mean to cause any hurt or upset u. i really really didnt mean it. there is much i wish to talk to u abt- but alas! words are just but a monotonous bunch of nothing that fails to put anything across. words are USELESS.

my blog is a white elephant. as in my blog. not my host. or anything. don get the wrong idea OK??? im only talking abt this site, NOT my host!! ok. so u get it. better go putting words to my blog and sue me for defamation cos IM SO NOT DOING IT! my blog is an ornament. what is a blog? its SUPPOSED to be an online diary, and what do u write in a diary? the emotions and feelings u hide, ur inner feelings. BUT why is it that so few people do that?!? myself included of course. why?!?

very simple. because we care too much abt what others will think of what we said. HENCE we don make full use of our blogs. i cant write openly. i cant use this keyboard to express my feelings and inner struggles. or can i? oh yes i can; when i have truly learnt the virtue of living for oneself. alas YET again! that is not in my sight. i shall have to be content with the misery of the present day.

im falling behind for geog. and that sucks cos i CANT fall behind. then i wont finish studying, then i wont think clearly on thurs= FAIL!!!!!!!! i cant fail dammit! i cant!!!!! ARGGGGGHHH... help me! help me..