Are we all lost

Thinking back on about 7/8 months back, when all was bleak and there was no signpost or anything to guide the way just a bit. your light shone through and i started to steer myself towards something that i thought i wanted. that i want now more than ever. but when you left it seems like i lost that beat to follow, and it was like i went back to wandering.

now i'm just grappling with the fact that what i worked for, or at least what i might have worked for cos it seems like i did nothing much, is all for nothing. because yes, i did what i was supposed to do, i got what i was expected to get, but its not like its getting me anywhere. thinking about how i gave up that chance to make it right 3 months back, simply because i lost faith, and now realising that i shouldn't have, its only regret.

thought that after finishing all that brooding and struggling to write those stupid stupid things this emptiness would go away. but it doesnt, it attacks in waves and i feel it all coming back now. and its the hollow, the void that overwhelms, not the sadness or the pain.

i need to do something reckless, i want to do something outrageous, get out of this haunted shell.