upset

my tears threaten to fall. my heart does frequent flips as i think about training. dreaded training. with the addition of thoughts about working hard for the upcoming race is making me breakdown. i really cant do this. how am i supposed to compete in an event i dont want to? dont tell me 'if u think u cant, u have already lost half the battle' because i dont even intend to fight it. i dont want to enter a competition for experience, neither to avoid reprimands. thats not the right mentality to join a race to begin with. i dont want to have to keep worrying about my stamina and standard, and high risk of embarrassing myself and the school. i dont see why i attend training.
my intention: to get my attendance to a minimal 75%
the result: entering competitions i dont wish to, and in which im unwilling to take part.
the fear in my heart is overwhelming.
my tears threaten to fall.
again.