2009 was a bad year, and i cannot believe how naive i have been starting off the year with a blog post wishing for a stunning year. 2010 looks set to be a bleak one too, but i suppose things may pick up soon. may be. maybe i dont want it to so i can forever wallow in this shell. i cannot believe that my mum thought i'd do drugs and become a junkie because of a tv show, and i cannot believe also how much older i feel now compared to a year ago, even half a year. i'm old, i feel old, i feel aged actually. and worn. and still, full of regrets. i know the human heart is greedy, and my heart is most certainly human; i dont want it to be, but it is. but "i feel" is never a good word to use because it conveys no assertion and has no rational basis. so i dont suppose any of this is of any point. anyhow my mum and i discovered how heartless i am, given just enough money to fund an education i'm out i'm leaving. but, i can't. because of so many stupid things and so many things i didnt do. i hate, with a vengeance. but its directed not at the world or you, just the wandering Jew i am.
there's a part of me that wants to delete this post. but no, i shall not. i shall not.