There's nothing like a half-awake state in church moreover that acutely triggers mental overdrive. its been a while since this welling up of whatever's within, this regret for passivity and inaction, this almost uncontrollable sadness (i couldnt find a better word, even with thesaurus.com) about missed opportunities, this self-pity (?) which i refuse to let myself indulge in because self-victimization/pity is really just suicide, this never-ending question of "what's the point?", struck. and it struck fast and hard and now its only a tiny wound, atop the previous.
and comparing my current state with the carefree joyful ones that my friends around me are in, i feel inferior and hopeless and mostly just like a failure. epic failure. but in any case, i have only myself to blame for where i am now, for what i'm doing now. whoever said "it's never too late" - well let me tell you now it is too late when you're late, most of the time, so "sometimes, it's never too late" might be a little more realistic. (just like how realism is intruding into my personal space at home - i officially detest realism when it ventures into personal attacks) i do not make sense, because once again this is typed when i'm still sound and trying to maintain some sense of privacy. how ironic.